Between-meeting communication with the Country Boy dropped off suddenly. I didn’t know whether to interpret the change in behaviour as a natural cooling-off of the honeymoon period, a busy time in his real life or the beginning of the end. He then cancelled a catch-up at short notice and I read too suspiciously into his reason that an impossible-to-get concert ticket had been waved in front of his nose.
I gave him a ‘get out of jail free’ message that I understood if he didn’t want to catch up again, a gross over-reaction that naturally surprised him. At the time I didn’t realise my mental health was out of whack and thought I was behaving logically and rationally. He had the good grace to offer a meeting the following afternoon, and he showed up unshaved, tired as all hell and in decaying work clothes as he travelled straight to the city after work the night before and came to see me straight after the next day’s work.
I managed to push the mental cloud aside, apologise for being so shrill and enjoy him without driving him away permanently. It was a close call. I’m forcing myself to be on my best and least paranoid behaviour until this phase passes.
I think I may have driven Mr OMG away and I regret this even though I thought it was what I wanted. We had a discussion filled with sad honesty: he asked why I hadn’t been in touch and I said I was only ever looking for someone casually ongoing and it looked like we’d never have that. It was easier on me to let things fade.
I added that I was in a constricting phase of despair, as he refers to his depressive periods, and he would understand the urges for isolation from those around us. We talked and he answered all my questions about his psychological background that I hadn’t dared broach before, and he gave me everything, including the nature of his affliction since late childhood and a sincere lack of care at times whether he lives or dies.
I sent him a thank you for listening text message after we finished the call, but after giving each other everything, I doubt we’ll ever be able to go back and face each other. Afterwards though, I still had urges to tell him that when he’s in a state of despair, I can pleasure and hurt him in ways that we need and would understand. I let the thoughts pass unsent.