Now, have we got over the taboo aspect yet?
Why is so much wrong with perceptions of anal sex in a supposedly modern society?
Somehow, opinions of sexual activities involving the anus fall into two main camps: Camp Stigma believes it’s still taboo and can only be discussed in whispered tones or as a joke attached to prostate gland health checks. The other is Camp Porn where the onslaught of modern-day XXX clips portrays aggressive double penetration of women screaming “fuck me harder ah ah ah” as the norm.
Anal sex is neither of those.
The rectum is a part of the anatomy where women *and* men can experience enjoyment and it’s important to move past the stereotype that anal sex is about a man fucking a woman up the bum. It’s a sexual experience for each partner involved and is a lot more enjoyable when everyone is open minded and considerate in regard to an encounter.
Women need stop to treating their anuses like sacred vessels when the topic of anal sex is raised. Everybody has a bum hole and some women like anal pleasure. Some don’t. Judgement and the ‘only bad girls and sluts do it’ attitude don’t do the sisterhood and feminism any favours.
It’s also a step backwards to belittle a male partner who might want to try fingers, tongues, toys or a strap-on in his own anus. He’s not automatically gay, bisexual, sissified, perverted, dirty or whatever other demeaning label can be slapped on him. He trusts enough to share part of his desires and that trust needs to be treated with respect. (A man wanting to dress like a woman while being fucked anally with a strap-on in a humiliation scenario is a different story altogether. Bitchy Jones expands on backwards feminisation better than I ever can.)
I will be correct in guessing most of the women who read this will nod familiarly when reminded of men “accidentally” trying to slide into the anus during vaginal sex. We all know which hole is which and ignorance should not be used as an underhanded entrance tactic, ever. Discussion is a better way of communicating desires and how they might be shared and enacted.
Some real-life practicalities
S-l-o-w is the order of the day. There’s nothing wrong with building up stimulation over a period of weeks until trying penile penetration. Taking time with preparation might make the success rate higher for regular anal activity to be included in a sexual repertoire if each partner enjoys the session. The perception that the giver is the enthusiastic partner and the receiver is the anxious partner needs to be given the boot with lots of slow, careful build-up so it’s pleasurable for everyone.
Just like sex as a term should not always imply a penis in a vagina, anal sex should not automatically mean a penis in an anus. Think more broadly into the range of activities that can take place between male/female, male/male and female/female. Try a gently buzzing vibrator or hand stimulation to the external areas during oral sex and build up to a lubricated finger, a tongue, a butt plug, then a penis over different sessions if each partner wants to keep experimenting and building on the foundation. Not everyone is going to move at the same speed or like the same things.
Use toys designed for anal use. They are shaped they way they are and have flared bases for a reason. This is not the time to play with the contents of the vegetable crisper, beer bottles or other household goods. The hospital emergency ward stories are true.
Safety and comfort are the orders of the day and condoms and lube are a must. Lubed condoms can be good as they maintain their ‘lubiness’ but use in addition to condom-safe lube.
There should be more talking than grunting. Keep checking into each other’s welfare and sensations so it’s a shared experienced and not one-sided in the favour of the giver. The recipient is in control of what’s happening at all times.
Anal penetration does feel different to vaginal penetration for women and it can take time to adapt and relax into the new sensations.
Ignore that porny stunt of a man penetrating a woman’s anus, returning to the vagina, back to the anus and repeating. That is a rapid-fire way to a urinary tract infection. Porn producers cut the non-sexy scenes like disinfecting genitals to avoid cross-contamination but here we are dealing with real life.
Do not use one unsuccessful episode as an excuse to shut the door completely to anal sex. No one was accomplished at kissing, oral sex or vaginal sex the first few times and anal play is no different. Women in particular use the, “I’ve tried it once and hated it” line, which may not be fair to future partners with more skill and experience.
My rules of play
I like fingers and smaller toys, especially during oral sex but I’m still not converted to the sensations when a penis is moving around in there. I see it as part of a total experience with a partner – I have quirks that aren’t shared by everyone so it’s part of the give and take of sexual desires and is an ongoing project.
A side-effect for me is farting uncontrollably for several hours after receiving something of decent size up there so timing is a consideration. For practicality’s sake, I’m not going to take it up the arse the afternoon of a family dinner.
I’m not keen on one-night-stands anyway but I won’t receive anal sex with a partner I don’t know well. It’s on my mental list of things to do only with trusted partners.
Any man who goes near my anus with his penis before “warm-up” play will either be told to fuck off or re-educated. I don’t have time for people who think they can pretend their way into experience if they don’t already have it. Honesty goes a long way.
Any man who wants to play in my dark hole without reciprocation of some kind needs to have a good reason and not a closed mind, or he will also be told to fuck off or re-educated. It’s a game both genders can enjoy and my role is not as a one-way receptacle.
I won’t do anything with a higher risk of pain or discomfort for me under the influence of alcohol or anything mind bending. Consciousness and awareness always.
I’ve never had an anal douche, enema or colonic irrigation and don’t plan starting now. Anal play can smell and brown bits sometimes lurk in the rectum. I’m not a fan of those aspects but I’m less keen on pretending that my arse is fresher than a daisy. I know when the path is at its clearest and will communicate that.
Any man in my orbit who wants to try being the recipient is hot. Bring that bottle of lube over here and let’s play.