Pokemon Go is Stopping Outdoor Adventures

I’m wedged firmly between the gaming eras of Space Invaders and the Assassin’s Creed series but I somehow missed Pokemon the first time around.

However, I’ve become quite the self-proclaimed legend on Pokemon Go through necessity.

NZ and I were messing around in the back of his family transporter, parked adjacent to a sports field and walking path. The sky was a moonless black and we huddled in the bubble of his car because the air was almost freezing outside. No one else was around. No one else was silly enough to be out in the middle of winter.

We had removed our pants, keeping our tops and socks on in respect to the chilly air (or to German porn). I wriggled as far up the floor pan of the car as I could, with NZ wedging himself as best he could between my legs. His tongue and fingers started my slide into a dreamy reverie.

Lights suddenly flashed outside. I sat bolt upright, convinced we were surrounded by police.

“What the fuck is that?” I said, pleasure forgotten.

NZ unwrapped his limbs and looked out the side glass as well. Three mobile phones and dark silhouettes were moving towards us at an unescapable pace. I wondered if the owners of the glowing gadgets could see our outlines through the clouded glass. Towards the left, more blueish-white orbs of light from mobile phones bobbed in the distance. We were surrounded.

NZ pulled a blanket over our bare skin (yeah, officers, we were just having a semi-naked picnic in the back of this car). As we awaited our fates, a sedan drove into the car park and pulled up suddenly. No one got out. Thirty seconds later, it drove off again.

The holders of the mobile phones got within 10 metres of us before veering to the right and then turning vaguely towards where they came from, as if chasing invisible butterflies. They flitted away into the distance. The sedan returned a few minutes later, stopping briefly and taking off again. It returned another time before disappearing.

NZ and I discussed what might have happened. Short of looking for aliens, the best reason I came up with was that people were looking for a lost dog. That didn’t explain the stopping-and-going of the car though. NZ seemed to hope they were outdoor perverts like us, but with thicker skins. We gave up pondering and tried to return to our intended activities. I was too scatter-brained to relax and NZ’s dick went up and down like a see-saw. We finished each other off with our hands, cleaned up and vowed to get a hotel room next time.

The next night I watched the news and the lead story was about the Pokemon Go craze sweeping the country. The footage showed tribes of people roaming around at night, phones glowing in hands while capturing animated insect things. Ooh. I texted NZ with the explanation for the previous night’s happenings.

I downloaded the Pokemon Go app and learned enough to catch a few zubats and ratty critters in my neighbourhood. I haven’t returned to the car park NZ and I met in but something tells me that it was a Poke-stop and the adjacent areas were rich with rare Pokemon.

I can’t wait until the craze is over.