Big empty

Barely two hours after I posted my last blog entry I received a long text message from the Country Boy.

Some of it was about me. About how I’m going to keep being frustrated by him when he’s busy. About how I should find someone who can see me more often.

Some of it was about him. About how he’s so run-down and exhausted that he couldn’t handle a situation with me ending contact again.

Some of it was about us. About how we should end things for now.

He finished by asking if I agreed.

I was so taken aback that I didn’t know what to say, however, I knew he’d wait up until he heard from me.

I ended up saying I didn’t agree but I’d let him go.

In looking back, my message sounds impersonal and clunky but the words were the only ones I could find at the time. I don’t even know if that’s what I wanted to say, hell, I didn’t even say goodbye.

Even after re-reading his message several times I still don’t know if he was ending things permanently or if deep-down he wanted me to fight against his flight response. But I’m harbouring some anger that he didn’t tell me his overloaded schedule was continuing (he ended a project a fortnight ago that was going to free his time; now he could be busy with backlog or new work but I can’t know if he soldiers on gallantly and doesn’t tell me). And I didn’t know if he meant literally that I should find someone else or if it was a gentler way of saying he didn’t want me. Regardless, I am still feeling guilty that my presence became another source of worry to him and that was never my intention.

Part of me is calmly convinced that he’ll make contact in a few weeks or months if his life has settled, but another part feels okay about reinstating my online profile and moving on for the right reasons. It’s a conflicting duality but day by day the sadness resulting from one is receding while my interest in the other is increasing.

6 thoughts on “Big empty

  1. Gaz, deep down I hope you’re right. He sounds stressed when usually he’s relaxed and easygoing about almost everything; not the best time to discuss or negotiated so maybe when things settle.

    Leah, I don’t mind complicated as there’s the element of challenge, but I’m still just confused. I wish he’d talked to me but, then again, I did the same to him when I hit overload without really talking.

    Freddy, I know, what does for now mean?

  2. I’d say that ‘for now’ means just that. He’s struggling for time to see you but doesn’t want to contemplate ‘stop seeing each other’ *for ever*
    It’s very much a man thing I think – I confess to having done it myself. Life becomes difficult, plans are made and have to be changed or cancelled and I reach a point where it seems fairer all round to not make plans. But, deep down, I know that I don’t want to totally give up on the chance of a future encounter. Hence ‘for now’
    Women generally find it easier to make a clean break.
    Partly, I believe, because it is easier for a woman to find a man than vice versa. Purely on the maths side there are far more men on the lookout than there are women…

  3. Thank you, Freddy. He came across as struggling so I’m going to leave him for a while.

    I understand the urge to not want to piss someone off when cancelling and thinking a break is easier, but ‘for now’ without a rough timeframe is frustrating and could lead to false expectations.

    Yes, it’s easier for a woman to find any man, but remove the ignorant, aggressive, manipulative, nasty ones from the equation and the game is more even.

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