Secretly, I’m dead*

NZ returned and made contact. He suggested several options to meet but the available time for real sex in his diary was more cruelly limited than the free time for thoughts of sex. After three or four or five cancellations I left him an ‘I’ll leave it with you’ message and wandered off.

One afternoon a message arrived saying nothing but, “I’m horny.” Well, fuck, so am I, and self destructive and angry and depressed and sad so I win. What of it? We are both losing. He flung another message and said he’d bring supplies and drive to my side of town if I found a hotel. I was tired and ungroomed but I found a hotel.

We talked and he showered and I wanted oblivion without questions or intimacy but I didn’t know how to describe these things. I removed the towel from around his waist and buried myself in his groin as a replacement for awkward words. I could be alone there. He praised me and took photos so I pushed him on the bed and buried myself lower where no one would find me. He has the tightest anus I’ve encountered and later on getting one finger in was an effort. My tongue was fine though.

We fucked but he was too gentle. He came and then fucked me as gently with his fingers until small orgasms rippled through my nervous system. His fingers evolved into polished steel pistons working inside my body and my fingers grasped bed covers and my toes curled and my pelvis undulated on invisible waves. I had squirting orgasms without the fluid and I wondered briefly what my body was doing but I gave in and let it come as it pleased so many more times.

The physical releases ripped emotional threads that were already weak and I started crying with long sobs that halted my breath. I asked him to stop and I closed my eyes and hid under the post-orgasm haze until my skill at acting composed came back. He was tactful enough not to ask about the stream of tears down my face that he would have seen.

I feel so full yet so empty sometimes.

*I always thought this was the last line of Liz Phair’s ‘Chopsticks’, but it’s Secretly I’m timid. My incorrect version suits the post title though.

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