He said

What do you say when a man spills the contents of his heart, and a steaming froth of confusion and mini-deaths of the soul pour out of his mouth, and tightening emasculation is choking the very breath out of his lungs?

He said, “My wife and I have had sex less than five times this year.”

He said, “I don’t even bother her any more. I told her that she knows where I am if she wants me.”

He said, “I even grabbed her and asked if I was that repulsive, if she found me that awful to have sex with.”

He said, “I get so tired of wanking when she’s asleep, but I am sick in the stomach for days if I go elsewhere; if she finds out, I’ll lose my kids because she won’t understand.”

He said, “Maybe I’m asking for too much out of life. I have a wife, a house and kids and perhaps I can’t have everything and this is the one thing I can’t have.”

I didn’t know what to say.

So I said, “I know how she feels because I used to be her, and until not that long ago.”

I said, “But I had the courage to face the part I played in a downfall and pay someone to ask me questions that made me cry in self pity. I learned that I wasn’t allowed to be the victim and control another with sex, and that’s too confronting for most people.”

I said, “I know how you feel because I caused your pain in someone else, and I know nothing I say can help because nothing can help her until she comes out of denial. And that day might never come. Can you live without your sexuality or pay the price of its freedom?”

We ran out of words and hugged the wilted embrace of the broken and the sympathetic.

9 thoughts on “He said

  1. Common situation, from what I’ve seen, and it’s not gender specific. I’ve been trying to answer the question you asked for years now, myself.

    What was the trigger for you to want to change things?

  2. Great question, Morpheus. I think it was a combination of looking back to my single life and understanding I wasn’t asexual before and didn’t need to be for the rest of my days, getting back together with The Drummer, and realising both of us had to change or we’d crash and burn again and learning to lose my jealousy about a more poly life. Getting older hit very suddenly and my sex drive returned together with a forecast of regret if I didn’t get myself moving, and I lost about 10 kilograms and I started noticing people in a more sexual sense again.

  3. Brave or bravo works either way :-). I might have smacked your bum if you’d mistaken ‘that was a hit’ for ‘that was shit’ ;-).

    As Morpheus said, it’s common. I just wanted to give someone a voice that many would recognise.

  4. My parents are going through this – *runs away naked and crying*

    I’m one of the few kids who wants my parents to fuck. My dad complains to me, after a few drinks, that he isn’t getting laid.

    I am all about poli relationships, except in regards to myself or my parents.

    Now I have a question for you, but I think I’ll e-mail you.

  5. *hugs* CHB. My parents are the same — I remember my mum spilling her story to a boyfriend of mine when I was about 18. I still am convinced he didn’t need to know that (and part of me remains equally convinced that she wanted something more from him than a sympathetic ear).

    You have my e-mail address? I must remember to put it in the sidebar thingy.

  6. Ow! Reminds me of how I was for the last few years of my marriage. I felt very unloved and unwanted – an unwelcome guest in my own house. And like your friend, I worried about the kids. But I finally bit the bullet (in my case, I cheated a bit and told her I was gay). Thoroughly recommended!

    What surprised me was that she was shocked and devastated when I left. Apparently she didn’t hate me all that much after all. Who knew?

  7. The gay excuse is a pearler, and 10 out of 10 for having the audacity to do it. (Although, if it were me, I’d have grabbed you and *insisted* that being bi was the way to go).

    It is ow, and sad when people’s needs aren’t met by those who love them the most. We are good at finding ways of hurting those closest to us.

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