The I of the storm

I have been in bed for 12 hours and slept only six. It’s the best night’s sleep I’ve had for at least a fortnight, almost enough to get up and exist.

I could have masturbated to tempt sleep but the reward seems so far away. I know exercise is beneficial but I haven’t left the house all weekend. The closed doors are protecting those outside from the cyclone.

I know someone I have been wanting to meet is in town but I can’t wish this self upon him. I also know it’s patronising to make decisions on behalf of others but my urge to cosset from a distance is stronger.

I haven’t told The Drummer that M1 contacted me and confessed in a roundabout way that he has feelings. I can’t begin to fathom where this admission came from after months without contact. I could not have made myself clearer at the start and thought our drifting apart mutual. I have handled it and feel bitter for having been given his problem.

I had what seems to be an anxiety attack; I haven’t experienced a vomit-in-the-throat social paralysis like this before. I couldn’t find the venue of a friend’s birthday gathering and, so soon after M1’s assault on my psyche, I hit overload when I couldn’t find the place or anyone I knew. I fled to the nearest shopping centre amongst the comforting familiarity and lull of strangers going about their domestic business, and hid in the public toilets until I felt capable of driving home.

I don’t know if my stabs at ArmyDude are based on reality or if I have been pursuing reasons to lash out and alienate him. I just don’t know. There’s too much to fix to use text messages and he will need to wait until I can talk, elucidate, not cry. I have fucked up if his intentions have been sincere but I can’t tell the real reality from my reality.

I postponed a catch-up with Jekyll, citing fatigue. That much is true. I would suffocate in his blanket of inexhaustible energy and care.

I am a ghost. I am here but somewhere else.

2 thoughts on “The I of the storm

  1. Oh my dear, depressed, anxious DB.

    Clearly you are suffering from something that you needn’t suffer through. And it also looks like you had a panic attack.

    I’m sure you know these things already.

    Why not try switch meds or maybe read a self-help book? I’m reading “the Power of Now” right now and *canned in laughter* … and it makes me feel better. “The Secret” had its moments but this book seems to have more substance.

    And don’t let yourself lie sleepless in your bed. Take Benadryl, Melatonin, see a doctor. I permanently awoke at 4:40am this morning and I find that torturous. Not sleeping all night would be pure hell

  2. Thank you, CHB *smiles*.

    The worst is over and I need to repair the damage and look after myself. I want to stay off the meds for a while to get back in touch with ‘me’ as the blanket of insulation they give provides a break but not an active part of the solution for me.

    Is Benadryl the cough medicine or something else over there?

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