He saw, he sort of conquered, he never came

Hope is one of life’s most affirming qualities but is sometimes a screen to hide facing an unavoidable and unpleasant reality. The Drummer’s experience at the swingers’ party fell firmly into the latter.

He called a couple of hours after he left to say he was heading home. I asked how his night went although the lifeless drone of his voice said more than enough. His response went along the lines of, “There were 15 men, only five women and they were all old broilers and I tried to fuck a garden gnome of a woman but she smelled awful when I went down on her so I tried to fuck her but I went soft.”

Okay, see you when you get home.

There could be lessons among the sweeping insults expressed from his frustration.

I am unsure if The Drummer’s view of casual sex is merely different to mine or indicative of an overall difference between women and men. He was content to settle for any sex because the first woman who spoke to him was available and interested even though he wasn’t attracted to her. In bluntest terms, he got what he set himself up for and hope interfered with reality. I’ve avoided once-off encounters for years because in the space of minutes or hours no one will have a grip on what I like, where my boundaries lay, develop the trust to work out where they might be stretched, and likewise me to understand what makes a new partner feel good. I have fucked casually for fun but I can’t remember ever for satisfaction.

After having sex with her for about 10 minutes he lost his erection and said he’d return for round two, but post-libido letdown set in and he dressed and left. I’d have left after first scanning the room, but perhaps that’s where he’s less averse to risking disappointment.

I’m unsure what he was expecting after we went to the first swingers’ party, apart from a higher ratio of unattached men. He sees the pool for meeting other women even smaller after the no-shows from online meeting sites and this experience. I didn’t know how to respond except suggest that instead of trying to change the mindsets of those around him, he could step back and wait for the right woman or women to cross his path. He said I couldn’t understand his frustration that women are generally more conservative and protective of their sexualities and often scared to step over the line from interest to action. I understand because I’ve been there but it’s difficult for the randy and idealistic to listen to my appeal for patience. I’ll live in hope that he understands what he wants and be energised rather than deflated by the thrill of the chase.

4 thoughts on “He saw, he sort of conquered, he never came

  1. Damn! I was really, honestly hoping that he would fare better than that. I hate to hear that he is letting all of this get him down so. Obviously, I can’t profess to understanding what he is going through. But I read enough blogs of men who troll the internet dating sites to get that the search is often fruitless and frustrating. Lets face it, women have the definite advantage on those sites, from start to finish. I can’t even imagine being in a man’s shoes when it comes to trying to sort through it all.

  2. Hello, thanks for commenting. I just re-read what I posted and some of the major themes still aren’t making sense in my head, let alone to anyone who might stop and read.

    It was only my recent experiences that made me realise the differences between men and women in online hunting and gathering. You’re right that women have the advantage, especially in regard to numbers and choice — sifting the shit from the straw is frustrating but at least there’s a pool of men to do that sifting.

  3. It looks to me like it’s more of a confidence (rather lack of) issue on his part than anything else. You say that he tried to have sex with a woman that he didn’t find attractive, and that perhaps he, unlike you, is “less averse to risking disappointment.” Perhaps he is more like me in my darker times, he just likes the attention, no matter where it comes from.

    Not sure if my response has any intrinsic value, it’s just what I thought after reading this.

  4. You’re spot-on about his lack of confidence. He experiences that in other areas of his life such as dealing with work and family and doesn’t seem to think he deserves much at times. So he gets what he sets himself up for and feels down about it — not a great cycle of behaviour, but without writing a book on his life story, he’s had confidence issues since an early age from his upbringing. I struggle sometimes between wanting to slap him into giving up the victim mentality and wondering how I can be more supportive.

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