Hope is one of life’s most affirming qualities but is sometimes a screen to hide facing an unavoidable and unpleasant reality. The Drummer’s experience at the swingers’ party fell firmly into the latter.
He called a couple of hours after he left to say he was heading home. I asked how his night went although the lifeless drone of his voice said more than enough. His response went along the lines of, “There were 15 men, only five women and they were all old broilers and I tried to fuck a garden gnome of a woman but she smelled awful when I went down on her so I tried to fuck her but I went soft.”
Okay, see you when you get home.
There could be lessons among the sweeping insults expressed from his frustration.
I am unsure if The Drummer’s view of casual sex is merely different to mine or indicative of an overall difference between women and men. He was content to settle for any sex because the first woman who spoke to him was available and interested even though he wasn’t attracted to her. In bluntest terms, he got what he set himself up for and hope interfered with reality. I’ve avoided once-off encounters for years because in the space of minutes or hours no one will have a grip on what I like, where my boundaries lay, develop the trust to work out where they might be stretched, and likewise me to understand what makes a new partner feel good. I have fucked casually for fun but I can’t remember ever for satisfaction.
After having sex with her for about 10 minutes he lost his erection and said he’d return for round two, but post-libido letdown set in and he dressed and left. I’d have left after first scanning the room, but perhaps that’s where he’s less averse to risking disappointment.
I’m unsure what he was expecting after we went to the first swingers’ party, apart from a higher ratio of unattached men. He sees the pool for meeting other women even smaller after the no-shows from online meeting sites and this experience. I didn’t know how to respond except suggest that instead of trying to change the mindsets of those around him, he could step back and wait for the right woman or women to cross his path. He said I couldn’t understand his frustration that women are generally more conservative and protective of their sexualities and often scared to step over the line from interest to action. I understand because I’ve been there but it’s difficult for the randy and idealistic to listen to my appeal for patience. I’ll live in hope that he understands what he wants and be energised rather than deflated by the thrill of the chase.