Masculine submission, shame and strength

I have been in occasional e-mail contact with a dominant man on a BDSM forum. He wanted to meet with a view towards exploring his latent submissive side with me at the helm.

We live at what seem like opposite ends of the earth and opted to meet at a public fetish night a few weeks ago. I gave him a description of my appearance and apparel and asked him to say hello.

After a few hours I didn’t see anyone who resembled his profile photo and decided that public displays of flogging and bloodletting with needles weren’t stimulating, so I went home to a warm bed and soft pillow. He had left a message saying he liked my appearance but didn’t want to “intrude on the territory” of the person I was accompanying, and signed off asking when we could meet.

A quick way to raise my hackles is to assume I’m someone’s property — especially if I issue an invitation at a social event. And it’s even easier to make me snarl like a rabid dog when I’m covertly eyed off without being given an equal opportunity — grrrrrr to cheap power plays.

I received a new message saying the unfurling of his submissive leanings might work with me because he couldn’t with one of his subs or someone he knows.

Couldn’t? Ouch. That hurt more than a leather paddle to the posterior.

His reluctance to meddle with existing dominant/submissive dynamics is understandable, but saying it’s out of the question to be vulnerable with *anyone* who knows him? I smell a hint of shame in his underlying message and it stinks.

I asked him to clarify what submission means to him as an individual, in case I’m misinterpreting the written medium. Gut feel was correct; he wants to communicate through e-mail rather than the forum’s private messaging in case someone intercepts his messages “because some things are embarrassing.”

Submission is not a position of inferiority or shame and feeling the need to defend it pisses me off. If this man associates his desire with embarrassment, he can pay a professional for some secret humiliation because there’s nothing in it for me. I don’t want to be in the same room or scenario as a man who won’t acknowledge the masculinity and gift of his submission. It’s supposed to be grand, not degrading.

A lot of submissive men do nothing for the cause because they are over-eager to lie down and roll over for punishment. It’s too easy, too predictable, too tempting to hurt out of spite instead of mutual excitement. Where’s the challenge and thrill of earning the right to hurt and re-construct a man? Where’s the joy in uncovering a part of the inner self when it’s clouded with guilt?

Don’t give up out of weakness. Give because you are strong and not because you’ve found a keeper for your dirty little secret.

Give me strength.

One thought on “Masculine submission, shame and strength

  1. When I am my sub self, I truly believe I am giving that to my partner, and when someone subs for me, I also believe they are giving me a great gift. This is a great post. I’m so glad / flattered you link to my blog, and I’ll be linking back soon!

    Samantha
    Not Your Mother’s Playground

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