Female.

Thirties. Later rather than earlier.

Feminist. Submissive. Dominant. Depressive. Imaginative. Smart. Insecure. Lively. Insular. Sharp. Bumbling. Blunt. Sensitive.

Life can be confusing.

In a long-term, committed relationship with The Drummer. After a long and painful period of working out our sexual needs and desires weren’t compatible, regardless of the depth of our love, we separated, got back together and opened the relationship more than two years ago. It was his idea but he was patient – and optimistic – enough to wait for me to decide if I could take a step towards a new way of living our lives together. It’s working, it’s exhilarating, it’s frustrating, it’s confronting at times but it’s forced us to communicate more and build a stronger bond.

I followed a dark shadow in my mind and discovered BDSM. It enlivens and refreshes and wracks my nerves and makes me doubt my sanity.

My hunger grew and I discovered bisexual men and fucking without love. I can’t fuck without affection though and the art of allowing closeness without penetrating emotional boundaries is a work in progress.

From mainly the online world, I’ve met about 25 prospective partners and had sex with about 12 of them. Vanilla, kinky, a couple of M/F/M threesomes, hotel days, frenetic couplings in parks and the passenger seat of cars and a few times in my former workplace for good measure.

These are the thoughts and stories. The stories are neatly-tied packages in themselves but the main aim of this space is to indulge in understanding what touches me, leaves me cold, brings me to tears or doesn’t — or shouldn’t need to — make any sense at all. Where else do we have to talk about such things?